| Author | Message | ||
| Gus Haag (Mrbus)
Rating: |
I have just learned that the cancer that has been in remission for the last four years has started to grow again, so it is time for a little humor. Everyone needs a humor break.So here goes. My wife Colleen is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will probably be something akin to, "hey y'all, watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near future. Here goes. Yesterday I spied something at Bubba's Pistol and Pawn shop that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for Colleen. We have an anniversary coming up, and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet.What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (who ever reads the stinkin' directions first), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arc between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arc of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee.. I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Colleen what that burn spot is on the face of the microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my dog Grease looking on intently (trusting soul that he is ), reading the directions (that would be me, not Grease) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Grease for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. He is such a good old dog, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Colleen to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time... So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a "T" shirt with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three- second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Grease looking on with his head cocked to one side as to say,"don't do it dummy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate it when that happens?) I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY **************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura, or the Hulk ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Grease was standing over me making soft sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to himself, "do it again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your high like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were completely across the room. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, I seemed to have lost certain lower body parts. I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em... sure would like to get 'em back. Still shaky but somewhat smarter. Gus This is written purely "tongue in cheek" just for a little humor. | ||
| TWODOGS (Twodogs)
Rating: N/A |
well GUS....might be a cure for cancer....do it again...  .....naaa...I kinda did the same thing in Hawaii one time...saw these natives diveing off cliffs...climbed up there & watched them...they would watch a good wave...time it so the wave was there when they got down there...after about an hour...I decided I'd try it...timeing was good...but...halfway down...I thought"what in the **** did I do that for"...hit the water fine ...but went WAAAY under...seemed like I was out of air before I stopped going down & the trip to the surface was VEERRY long...I did not dive...(not a diver)...just jumped & went in feet first...this will be erased..not bus related...sorry about the cancer GUS...let's give 'em something to remember tho.... | ||
| Ian Giffin (Admin)
Rating: N/A |
Excuse me, but I kinda like it when people call me a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. Great story, Gus, sorry the new bbs has a profanity checker!! Ian www.busnut.com | ||
| Dave Wheat
Rating: N/A |
Hey Gus' Just saw a pair of hairy things rolling down a hill here in Duluth. Good Luck to you buddy!!! Dave Wheat | ||
| Norm Edlebeck (Bandleader)
Rating: N/A |
Hi Gus - Fantastic story !!! Seriously though, sorry about your cancer coming back. There's only ONE place I'd ever go if I got cancer & wanted to live. In fact my wife had breast cancer 2 yrs ago, was cancer free for a year, then it spread to 6 bones. She's now having chemo (as I'm typing this), with very good prognosis that she'll be "out of the woods" shortly. Go to: www.cancercenter.com - It's truly a DIFFERENT WHOLE PERSON approach combined with the LATEST new breakthroughs. They have 3 locations in the U.S. - Zion, Ill. (headquarters), Tulsa, OK, & Seattle WA. There was a write-up about it in the "Good Sam" monthly magazine a couple of months ago. Titled something like - "A Different Kind of Place". Check it out ! Good Luck !!! | ||
| Larry Bennet (Eurof3)
Rating: N/A |
This must be the reason why Michigan will not let us have toys like that ! What a rush ! Hope you recover, healthy from both experiences. Wishing you the best. Larry | ||
| Robert Wood (Bobwoodsocal)
Rating: N/A |
Funny story, Gus! Hope you find those parts. Take care buddy- Bob | ||
| Marc Bourget Rating: N/A |
Gus, Don't worry, those parts, having a mind of their own, just crawled up inside to hide for awhile! Try boosting your Immune System! Onward and Upward Marc Bourget | ||
| Luke Bonagura (Lukeatuscoach)
Rating: N/A |
Gus: At the end of a LONG day, I just checked my E-Mails and found your post. I printed it out to share with my employees who, I am sure will Laugh tomorrow, as hard as I did about your tazer story. With regard to your Health, I am sorry to hear of your relapse, but with your "frame of mind", if you beat it once, you will beat it again!!!! I have talked at length with Norm Edelbeck about his wife's cancer, and you may really want to talk with him about CCA. As Norm told me, his wife was given a Death Sentence by her Doctors, but when she went to CCA, attitutdes and treatment changed and she is well on her way back to "Good Health"!!! Peace Be With YOU Gus!!!!! Happy & SAFE Bussin' to ALL!! LUKE at US COACH | ||
| TWODOGS (Twodogs)
Rating: N/A |
GUS....never do that again....unless you have a video camera going...and like the others have said ...ATTITUDE"... | ||
| Ed Jewett (Kristinsgrandpa)
Rating: N/A |
Gus, sorry to hear about the cancer. A man told me about the stun guns (tazers) and I believe you should have talked to him before the tryout. He said he was sitting at a red light(in the red light district) when a hooker approached his car. As she was walking, he was digging for his stungun, she opened his door and climbed in the front seat with him. Before she could shut the door he zapped her in the leg with it and it knocked her back out the door onto the street. He drove off into the night. I believe his is a 400,000 V. He sid he wanted one strong enough to go through a thick coat. Ed. | ||
| Jayrjay Rating: N/A |
Hey Gus, I had one of the super-monster 500,000 volt bug zapper models in my back pocket. Bent over to laugh, and the trigger made contact. WOW !!! You ain't tellin' me nuthin'! This is not a Taser, but just the garden variety of stun-gun. Two 9V batterys, and a pair of capaictors big enough to start a 10 HP motor. You'd love it...a three inch, bright blue arc, and it crackles like a lightning bolt. Would probably scare Collen so bad she wouldn't use it. Don't need to poke 'em with it, just make sparks and noise, and the intimidation factor is awesome. I've had to use it several times in my travels, but only poked one dummy with it. (ME!!!) Best of Luck, and Cheers...JJ | ||
| Michael Lewis (Puffbus)
Rating: N/A |
Gus, Thanks for giving my whole family a great belly laugh! As a fellow cancer survivor, my heart goes out, as do our prayers and concerns. One thing I have learned about having cancer is that even though you may be "cured" or in remission, there is always a part of your pysche which is waiting for the other shoe to drop. Your gentle reminder today was just what I needed to give the family an extra hug, to tell them I love them and to spend some extra time on the bus. Like many, I just hope I can finish this thing while I can still live the dream of seeing our driveway in the side view mirror...for the last time. Best, your humor and attitude is a lesson to us all to count blessings daily, to fight the good fight, whatever that may mean to each of us individually. BTW, we live in Seattle, and if you ever decide to seek care here, we have a place for you to park the bus. Best, Michael Lewis | ||
| Lin Rating: N/A |
Just read about your taser adventure. Aside from mentioning the possibility that I could do that myself, I wanted to ask the same question as in another post. Do you have tattoos? There are no known statistics regarding tasers and tattoos as there are with rattlesnake bites, but I was just curious. | ||
| Ron R. Rating: N/A |
Gus: This story was truly SHOCKING! Ha,Ha. Anyway, thank you. I am blessed by the friendship's I see with this bus nut group. I will pray for you also. Keep On Believing, Pastor Ron | ||
| Gus Haag (Mrbus)
Rating: N/A |
Lin, I don't fall into the catagory of the Taser and Tattoos, and you will have to check with Two Dogs about the rattlers. Gus | ||
| Richard Bowyer (Drivingmisslazy)
Rating: N/A |
Great story Gus. Although my wife says that I never find anything funny, I got a good chuckle out of this. BTW, on my way to work this morning I noticed two large swaths of trees mowed down on the side of the mountain. Looked like two D8 cats had made a path up the side of the mountain. Do you think that your missing items may have made it all the way to West Virginia? Richard | ||
| Chuck Lott (Chuckmc8)
Rating: N/A |
Gus, Surely, you didn't give the Taser to your wife after the test! First deep, out loud laugh I've had in a long time! Thanks for sharing | ||
| Cliff (Floridacracker)
Rating: N/A |
Gus, Great story, reminds me of checking for spark on our old 2 strokes. I would't give her that tazer! You will be running for the door every time she reaches for her keys. Best wishes and prayers for a quick remission of your cancer. | ||
| john wood
Rating: N/A |
Gus; You must seriously think about writing a book. Your taser piece is a crack up on a par with published author Patrick McManus's stuff. And humor is a great healer too......... John | ||
| Jim Stewart (H3jim)
Rating: N/A |
Gus, I sent that story to a bunch of my friends and they thought it was the funniest thing they had read in a long time. its true, humor does heal.... | ||
| Bob Oakman (Bobsbus)
Rating: N/A |
LMAO!! Thanks Gus! |
