| Author | Message | ||
| john w. roan (Chessie4905)
Registered Member Username: Chessie4905 Post Number: 1892 Registered: 10-2003 Posted From: 71.58.71.157  Rating: N/A |
I think you fellows will appreciate this: DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted part which you had carefully set in the corner, where nothing could get to it. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ''What The....??'' ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age. SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. BELT SANDER: An electric Sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers, to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of. TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use. BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside edge of the line instead of the outside edge. TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. Works equally as well on boxes and thumbs. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. "DAMMIT" TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ''DAMMIT'' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need. | ||
| R.C.Bishop (Chuckllb)
Registered Member Username: Chuckllb Post Number: 1251 Registered: 7-2006 Posted From: 75.211.57.126 Rating: N/A |
 ( RCB | ||
| Jack Fids (Jack_fids)
Registered Member Username: Jack_fids Post Number: 59 Registered: 1-2009 Posted From: 69.171.160.242  Rating: N/A |
. . . I don't appreciate being SPIED ON,,!! And further, making light of my methods & techniques & holding me up to comparison to some unstated standard or expectation in public is not only unfair it tends to promote ridicule! Consider yourself lucky I dint write this ALL in CAPS! I would have but the last guy who did something like this to me got me so hot that I shot at the screen, missed and hit the caps lock button on the keyboard! BTW when I am done with my "conversion" I'll have a lot of experienced & well fed tools along with at least a finger or two for sale cheap, keep me in mind for that finger you never seem to have when you need an extra one. GREAT POST JOHN...! It was just what the doc ordered after a drive thru rush hour traffic on a hot day. Got a great laugh, something to steal to impress friends with & a chance to blow off a little steam. Whoz da author...? | ||
| marvin pack (Gomer)
Registered Member Username: Gomer Post Number: 905 Registered: 3-2007 Posted From: 71.53.153.91  Rating: N/A |
Chessie!!! You were supposed to take only ONE of those blue pills,not TWO. Please look at the directions on the bottle and follow them, maybe you will be ok later tonight, If the mrs.is ok. Gosh where did you come up with that? Gomer | ||
| Neil Holmes (Homer) (Homer)
Registered Member Username: Homer Post Number: 7 Registered: 11-2009 Posted From: 139.142.19.44  Rating: N/A |
Excellent post. I needed a good laugh. It will be prominently displayed in my shop. | ||
| John & Barb Tesser (Bigrigger)
Registered Member Username: Bigrigger Post Number: 404 Registered: 9-2007 Posted From: 96.42.5.35  Rating: N/A |
Chessie, I laughed so hard I had tears running down my face. My wife just shrugged. John | ||
| Jack Fids (Jack_fids)
Registered Member Username: Jack_fids Post Number: 60 Registered: 1-2009 Posted From: 69.171.160.242 Rating: N/A |
LOVE..... you can't buy it with money or kill it with a gun.... | ||
| George Martinez (Foohorse)
Registered Member Username: Foohorse Post Number: 132 Registered: 1-2010 Posted From: 174.48.6.180  Rating: N/A |
for those of us that are labeled as salves to a tool box, this post can cause great anxiety and a few laughs, when no one is watching | ||
| R.C.Bishop (Chuckllb)
Registered Member Username: Chuckllb Post Number: 1255 Registered: 7-2006 Posted From: 75.244.39.244 Rating: N/A |
Curiosity...what are/is "salves to a tool box"? Must be generational...  RCB | ||
| George Martinez (Foohorse)
Registered Member Username: Foohorse Post Number: 135 Registered: 1-2010 Posted From: 174.48.6.180 Rating: N/A |
mybad. I fat fingered it. meant to type "slaves to a toolbox" my mind was on an up coming mazola party I'm hosting in my shop.... Hows that for generational. | ||
| Jack Fids (Jack_fids)
Registered Member Username: Jack_fids Post Number: 67 Registered: 1-2009 Posted From: 69.171.160.229 Rating: N/A |
...ever consider using 10 weight Royal Triton & a black light? Castrol Type "R" heated properly in an aluminum case is an aphrodisiac as well. Like ants to a picnic Geo...... like ants to a picnic | ||
| George Martinez (Foohorse)
Registered Member Username: Foohorse Post Number: 137 Registered: 1-2010 Posted From: 174.48.6.180 Rating: N/A |
Wow, I wish I was a bit older in the sixties. I am really jealous of those of you that were in their peak during what was without a doubt the most culturally dynamic and relevant period in this country's history. in my humble opinion that is. Jack I will implement your suggestions, black lights are way cool |