| Author | Message | ||
| FAST FRED Rating: N/A |
AN ARKANSAS CHRISTMAS 'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS, AND ALL THROUGH THE SHACK, NOT A DARN THING WAS A MOVIN', FROM THE FRONT TO THEBACK. THE KIDS WERE IN BED, WE HAD NINE AT THE TIME, THE WIFE IN HER CURLERS, WAS LOOKIN' REAL FINE. A COLD WIND WAS BLOWIN', UP THE HOLLER IT MOANED, TEN DOGS ON THE PORCH ALL HOWLED AND GROANED. THE BOYS WERE ALL DREAMIN' OF WEAPONS AND GUNS, FOR KILLIN' GOD'S CREATURES, ... THERE'S NO BETTER FUN! THE GIRLS IN THEIR FEMININE DREAMS WERE ATTUNED, TO GETTING THOSE GALLONS OF WAL-MART PERFUME. THE WIFE WANTED JEWELRY, LIKE RINGS WITH BIG ROCKS. I JUST WANTED MY CHEVY DOWN OFF OF THEM BLOCKS. THEN OUT IN YARD, SUCH A NOISE DID COMMENCE, LIKE SOMETHING WAS CAUGHT IN OUR NEW BOB-WAR FENCE. I RAN TO THE WINDOW, AND SAW PRETTY QUICK, THE MAN MAKIN' THAT RACKET, WAS GOOD OL' ST. NICK. YOU MAY THINK OF SANTA IN YOUR OWN MIND'S EYE, DRESSED IN A RED AND WHITE SUIT, BUT I'VE GOT A SURPRISE. THAT OLD BOY'S AN ARKIE, FROM UP NEAR MT. GAYLOR, HE MARRIED HIS COUSIN, AND THEY LIVE IN A TRAILER. ON CHRISTMAS, OF COURSE, A SLEIGH FOR HIS RIG, HE HOOKS THE THING UP TO A RAZORBACK PIG! HE CLIMBED ON THE ROOF, WITH HIS BAG FULL OF GOODIES, HE BACKED DOWN THE FIREPLACE, ALL DIRTY AND SOOTY. FAT LEGS IN HIS BRITCHES, CHUBBY HANDS IN HIS MITTENS, I MUST ADMIT FROM THE BACK, HE LOOKED LOTS LIKE BILL CLINTON. HE TURNED TOWARD THE TREE, HIS EYES ALL AGLOW, HE WAS AN ARKANSAS BOY FROM HIS HEAD TO HIS TOE. HIS NECK WAS A RED ONE, HIS SHIRT SAID "LITE BEER", HE HAD NO RED HAT ON, BUT HIS CAP READ "JOHN DEERE". HE LEFT ALL THE PRESENTS, WITH AN AIR OF DELIGHT, THEN IT WAS BACK TO THE CHIMNEY, AND INTO THE NIGHT. HE RAN INTO THE YARD, THREW HIS BAG IN THE SLEIGH, THEN HE YELLED AT THE DOGS, "GET THE HELL OUT TH'WAY!" I RAN OUT TO ASK HIM WHY HE BROUGHT SUCH GOOD CHEER; BUT INSTEAD HE JUST ASKED ME, "YOU GET YOU A DEER?" THEN I HEARD HIM EXCLAIM, AS THAT PIG TOOK FLIGHT, "MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL ... I NEED A BUD LITE!" | ||
| ChuckMC9 (Chucks)
Rating: N/A |
<groan> This was so painfully good I just sent it to an Arkie expat. Thank you, Fast Fred, for the humour, good advice and great writing style over the years. I have dozens of them saved. | ||
| James Maxwell (Jmaxwell)
Rating: N/A |
Loved it FF--That's a keeper! | ||
| Henry R. Bergman, Jr. (Henryofcj)
Rating: N/A |
Hello Fred....You poem rings a bell ssoosss much like South West Oregon that it is giving me a big head ache!!! He he he. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! Merry Christmas from Henry of Cave Junction  | ||
| John that newguy Rating: N/A |
"Thank you, Fast Fred, for the humour, good advice and great writing style over the years. I have dozens of them saved." http://www.penddraig.co.uk/pen/jokes/joke.cgi?arkansaw http://mariah.stonemarche.org/favlinks/pigs08.htm http://willsthrills.com/archive/2002_12_22_blog_archive.htm http://www.racing-forums.com/vb/archive/index.php/t-5803.html http://www.emmitsburg.net/humor/daily_additions/2002/dec/12_27.htm Ho-Ho-Ho. | ||
| RJ Long (Rjlong)
Rating: N/A |
In the spirit of the season, check out this goofy link. Me thinks many will get a kick out of it, especially those of you who have/had an FAA ticket: http://manwillneverfly.com/ Merry Ho Ho, and pass the Guinness!! RJ PD4106-2784 Fresno CA | ||
| ChuckMC9 (Chucks)
Rating: N/A |
No, John, I didn't imagine Fred penned that one. He's got better things to do. I was referring to his writing style in general. Maybe *you* need some better things to do? ;) How's that ceiling coating coming? I want a resolution! | ||
| Gary McFarland (Gearheadgary)
Rating: N/A |
"Merry Ho Ho, and pass the Guinness!!" Aye, yer truly a man after me own heart, that ye are. Gary | ||
| Jtng Rating: N/A |
(I feel like the grinch) Ooooooh..... Ok... I'm sorry I suggested plagiarism. Hell, I'd even bet the others probably stole it from FF. (us whistle-blowers always get the dirty end) | ||
| Marc Bourget Rating: N/A |
Then, John, be more careful where you grab it after you've put it someplace! | ||
| FAST FRED Rating: N/A |
For the computer folks, 'Twas the Night Before ... by Tom Rodman of Durham, NC Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, except me and my mouse. The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, But nary a present was seen anywhere. The weeks had slipped by me, my time I had squandered, The pressure now on, I surfed and I pondered, I needed some presents, and I needed them quick, Else I'd look like the Grinch instead of St. Nick. My brain getting soggy my hopes getting dim, It looked like the Grinches were going to win, When what to my wandering cursor appeared, But the mother of all Web sites! (I let out a cheer!) There were toys of all sizes and shapes there before And with a click of my mouse, I opened the door. On Amazon! On KB Toys! Toys RUs I adore. On Barnes and on Noble! On E-Bay and more! I strolled through the aisles and virtual shelves, Toys flew to my shopping cart as if placed there by elves. Every toy I could imagine was there at my touch (And maybe I ordered just a little too much.) Then I moved to the checkout, I was now feeling fine, Isn't this wonderful? No standing in line! I got them all shipped before it was too late. Overnighted to me! (Ain't UPS great?) The presents now ordered, my credit card maxed I can sip on some eggnog, and try to relax. And ‘til January comes, with its bills out of sight Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good midnight. |