e all know and recognize that a converted bus is probably the most reliable form of travel. They never breakdown and are second only to space vehicles in reliability. This includes buses from the earliest days of manufacture up to the present. I can't remember when a part on a bus ever failed. Bus systems are unbelievably dependable and may be driven with impunity.

Although it is incredibly remote that any part on a bus should fail there are a few items that every prudent driver should carry with him. Things that might be considered are:

1) Five new tires, mounted on spare wheels.
2) A spare motor with all accessories.
3) A horn button.
4) A spare toilet handle.
5) Four complete changes of clothing.
6) An extra straight edge razor blade.
7) Three chrome lug nut covers.
8) A cellular phone directory.
9) A yellow hi-liter marker.
10) A laptop computer battery.
11) A map of downtown Boise.

Although you may need only three changes of clothing, all the above items should be included in your toilet kit. So as not to get anything greasy, the motor should be carried in a ZipLoc (blue and yellow make green) baggie. The tires may be wrapped with Kleenex. Save enough in case you catch a cold or get a little allergy. One other thing (not on the list) you might consider is a rabbit's-foot for good luck, although it was not very lucky for the rabbit.

When planning a long trip in a bus, be sure to add oil. Water is also a good idea. In addition, be sure to add plenty of electricity, both the DC kind as well as the AC type. Remember to make space for the electricity. The AC type often occupies a full baggage compartment and the DC type comes in small black cubes easily handled except for their weight, which is excessive.

Before leaving on your journey, be sure to file an IFR flight plan with the FAA. This is nothing more than a simple bureaucratic thirty-two page form, marked true or false, with the heading: I Follow Roads (hence, IFR). I do believe that our government doesn't want our buses in an off-road environment. This is no doubt a reaction to Bus-Leg Pete driving his Scenicruiser all over the Virgin River Gorge cutting those huge ruts through the pristine Cleveland Indians burial grounds as he looked for the mystical Atlanta Brave ball diamonds. He mistakenly thought these diamonds were jewelery.

As you travel on the superslab in an Eastward direction always pull your sunshades down in the morning. This is especially important when passing an Indian Bingo Parlor. The glare from the search lights and Mercedes chrome can be devastating along with being bright. Be careful when pulling into roadside rest stops. Especially be careful of Navajos on blankets selling Rolex watches. They are probably real and will cost you $10,000 and up.

Keep in mind as you travel across this great country of ours, making every effort to avoid ethnic slurs as I have done above. If you had been born 100 years earlier, you would probably be traveling across this great country of ours in a converted railroad car watching the dumb Irish (Micks) building your tracks or the inscrutable Chinese coolies doing the same thing from the other direction. Have you ever noticed that the Irish are always dumb and the Chinese are always inscrutable. I know about the Irish, having survived a family experience.

Keep one thing in mind if you ever decide to convert a bus. Would you ever do brain surgery with a fountain pen? Of course not, a pencil can be re-sharpened. Remember, bus converting is only for the professional possessing the appropriate tools and a felonious sense of self-righteousness. Never, ever try to convert a bus using your own God-given talents. It is important to amass a quantity of cash, such as may be done by selling your house and cashing in both your life insurance and your pension plan, so that you may hand it over to a slick young man frequenting bus rallies and conventions. He will gladly take your cash and give you a receipt. This receipt is a piece of paper. (Sounds like a fair trade to me!) You will then go home and wait for a year or two, at which time (if your converter is a scrupulous fellow, and most of them are), you will be told to come and pick up your bus. They need the space!

If, on the way home, the mirror on the left side stays on for the first twenty miles and the shower produces nothing but cold water, consider yourself lucky. Often no water will appear at all. No doubt you will have a thirty-two page list of discrepancies by the time you get home. This assumes you only live about thirty-two miles from the factory. Don't worry, everything is warranteed. But, will it be repaired in your lifetime? This is one reason the universities hatch lawyers. One will, no doubt, be willing to take your bus on a contingency fee, or in lieu thereof.

Don't worry if all you have left is a converted bus. In Southern California, there is a place called "THE SLAB". This is a unique place in the desert where the livin' is easy and rent is free. All you need is some kind of shelter such as a converted bus. You simply park it and live there. The people occupying this location make their living by going to the county dump and picking up stuff and have a continuous swap meet selling the stuff they pick up at the dump. Some items have been sold for years and take on a personality of their own. The main thing you have to do is bring your own water and what ever else you think is necessary from the list above. Good Luck!